If you have ever experienced anxiety you will understand what I am talking about, if you haven’t, you’ll think I am crazy. I have dealt with anxiety for relatively most of my life. Even as a young child I had irrational worries that would control me. Then, I didn’t have a name for it, I just knew I was different. Thankfully, we live in a generation where anxiety and depression is talked about and treated, yet sadly, many still attach a stigma to someone who deals with these issues. We know now, and science has proved, that it’s not just all in your head. It isn’t just something you can snap out of, because it has to do with a depletion of chemicals in your brain. Just as when you eat chocolate or drink alcohol, you relax, that is a chemical reaction in your brain.
For me, anxiety feels like a cement wall that I can’t climb, dig under, or go around. It comes unexpectedly, unreasonably, and often suddenly, though sometimes it is gradual over several days before it becomes acute. It takes the color and purpose out of life. Even on a sunny day, everything feels gloomy. Along with the mental effects, the physical body is affected too. I have a rapid heart rate, sweating, difficulty breathing, I often become nauseated and/or have stomach pain and diarrhea. I become very thirsty, lose my appetite, and feel like I am shaking though am usually not visibly. I can’t sleep, can’t concentrate, and can’t stop my mind from racing. It is such a frustrating feeling to know in your heart that nothing is worth get so worked up over, but not being able to stop your mind and body from reacting. It truly is out of your own grasp to control.
For many years I have been on and off anti-depressants. All the time I have been ashamed and embarrassed that I need them to function normally. I have felt weak and worthless. I have felt like if I was a better Christian, I would be able to handle this. If I just prayed more, read my bible more, etc. I have tried alternative medicines such as herbs and supplements, tried to balance my horomones, all with temporary results, eventually I have to go back to the prescriptions, and feel like a failure once again for having to be on them.
God has been talking to me about this, and what He has said has been a salve to my hurting heart. He reminds me that it is in my weakness that his strength is visible (2 Cor 12:10). My stubbornness while trying to do it on my own and ‘handle it’ is pride. I have to look at the blessing that I have to be living in a generation where there is medicine available. How silly of me to think that He would make this available to me and then slap my hand for accepting it. That’s not how God operates.
God does not wait for us to clean up our act before accepting us. It is His job to make us holy, not our own. Only He is able. Only he is able to calm the storm in my mind, and if he uses medicine to do that, why be ashamed? I am convinced that Satan uses shame to keep us quiet. It’s in the quietness of our struggles that we experience loneliness. If no one knows, no one can help. If we don’t tell, no one knows they aren’t alone. So, here I am, telling. I hope someone understands and finds comfort in the fact that I know and understand.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Never say Never
Before I had kids I said never a lot. My kid would never__________ (insert action). Even in the early days of parenting I would look at other parents and criticize their lack of parenting skills. The more my kids I have added to our family and the more they grow, the more I realize it is not my job to control my kids. It is my job to train them. But, even good training has to be implemented by the person being trained. There are very few things we actually have control over with our kids. No more can we control the genes that they are made up of or their eye color than can we control their personalities. Anyone with a child has surely learned quickly that you can’t control when your child eats, sleeps, and potties. That’s just the beginning of it.
I believe that parenting is God’s way of making us grow up. We learn to think selflessly. We also learn that never is a bad word. I can’t tell you how many times I have been humbled by something I swore I would never let happen in my house and under my supervision. I wish I could tell all those other moms that I have judged I am sorry. For I know the feeling of the stares by moms who don’t approve of my parenting. I hear the whispers of appall. I know what they feel and sound like only because they have come out of me in the past.
Just as we can’t control our children, we also can’t control our circumstances. No one can plan for what life will throw at us. Honestly, some days we just try to survive and keep our heads above water. Situations that leave us feeling overwhelmed, lend for plenty of opportunities to mess up. So give your fellow moms a break.
Jesus told us to “take the plank out of our own eye before trying to remove a speck of sawdust from your brother’s (or sister’s) eye” (Matthew 7:5). Only when I have my house in order and all my “ducks” in a row, do I have the freedom to criticize another mother. And since that never happens, you get the idea. So, if I have stared at you with disapproval, I am truly sorry. I have no idea how I would react in your situation until I am placed there. And next time you are tempted to criticize me, reconsider please.
When I am tempted to think that I can take credit for all the good things my kids do, I remember that if I do, I also have to credit for all the bad they do. If God, who is the THE perfect parent, has kids who misbehave and mess up, then how much more can I expect my kids to?!
I believe that parenting is God’s way of making us grow up. We learn to think selflessly. We also learn that never is a bad word. I can’t tell you how many times I have been humbled by something I swore I would never let happen in my house and under my supervision. I wish I could tell all those other moms that I have judged I am sorry. For I know the feeling of the stares by moms who don’t approve of my parenting. I hear the whispers of appall. I know what they feel and sound like only because they have come out of me in the past.
Just as we can’t control our children, we also can’t control our circumstances. No one can plan for what life will throw at us. Honestly, some days we just try to survive and keep our heads above water. Situations that leave us feeling overwhelmed, lend for plenty of opportunities to mess up. So give your fellow moms a break.
Jesus told us to “take the plank out of our own eye before trying to remove a speck of sawdust from your brother’s (or sister’s) eye” (Matthew 7:5). Only when I have my house in order and all my “ducks” in a row, do I have the freedom to criticize another mother. And since that never happens, you get the idea. So, if I have stared at you with disapproval, I am truly sorry. I have no idea how I would react in your situation until I am placed there. And next time you are tempted to criticize me, reconsider please.
When I am tempted to think that I can take credit for all the good things my kids do, I remember that if I do, I also have to credit for all the bad they do. If God, who is the THE perfect parent, has kids who misbehave and mess up, then how much more can I expect my kids to?!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Grocery List Religion
I’ve got to stop writing these blogs….God makes me eat my words. I hate it when He does that!
What I would like to have is a grocery list religion. I’ll make out my list, clip my coupons, and then go to the store to stock up on the things we’ll need till the next paycheck. I’ll take some peace, definitely some patience, my kids are requesting a little gentleness and kindness lately, oh and I should probably have some joy, and while I’m at it I should probably throw some self-control in the cart too. When I go to pay, the checker tells me the cost and I decide to use my credit card and promise to pay later. Feeling very accomplished I happily take all my ‘groceries’ home and fill up my cabinets. The problem presents itself a few days later when something unexpected happens and I am all of a sudden in crisis mode and realize I didn’t stock up on any love or hope or perseverance. Dang-it there was no way to know THAT was gonna happen! UGH! The time finally comes when I have to pay my bill.
Walking in the abundant life does come at a price…am I willing to pay it? How much is it worth to me? Am I willing to sacrifice my time, my energy, my will for God’s blessing on my life? God has already paid my ransom to give me eternal life…am I willing to crucify myself daily and carry my cross to follow him in the details of daily living? Will I follow him no matter where he leads and trust that the price I pay is worth the dividends?
Every time I choose Him over the television or the computer, or the pile of dishes in the sink or the unfolded laundry, I am crucifying the human nature in me that is at its root, selfish. I am depositing into my account (so to speak). Then when the next crisis hits, and it will, I am better prepared. I have the resources that I need to keep going. I have the self control to hold my tongue, the perseverance to withstand the doubt that creeps in, the truth in me to resist the lies that bombard me, the peace that keeps me from being tossed by the winds of circumstances, and kindness in spite difficult people. Isn’t that worth sacrificing Facebook, and an empty kitchen sink? Lord, help me remember that you want me to do more than “just get by”.
What I would like to have is a grocery list religion. I’ll make out my list, clip my coupons, and then go to the store to stock up on the things we’ll need till the next paycheck. I’ll take some peace, definitely some patience, my kids are requesting a little gentleness and kindness lately, oh and I should probably have some joy, and while I’m at it I should probably throw some self-control in the cart too. When I go to pay, the checker tells me the cost and I decide to use my credit card and promise to pay later. Feeling very accomplished I happily take all my ‘groceries’ home and fill up my cabinets. The problem presents itself a few days later when something unexpected happens and I am all of a sudden in crisis mode and realize I didn’t stock up on any love or hope or perseverance. Dang-it there was no way to know THAT was gonna happen! UGH! The time finally comes when I have to pay my bill.
Walking in the abundant life does come at a price…am I willing to pay it? How much is it worth to me? Am I willing to sacrifice my time, my energy, my will for God’s blessing on my life? God has already paid my ransom to give me eternal life…am I willing to crucify myself daily and carry my cross to follow him in the details of daily living? Will I follow him no matter where he leads and trust that the price I pay is worth the dividends?
Every time I choose Him over the television or the computer, or the pile of dishes in the sink or the unfolded laundry, I am crucifying the human nature in me that is at its root, selfish. I am depositing into my account (so to speak). Then when the next crisis hits, and it will, I am better prepared. I have the resources that I need to keep going. I have the self control to hold my tongue, the perseverance to withstand the doubt that creeps in, the truth in me to resist the lies that bombard me, the peace that keeps me from being tossed by the winds of circumstances, and kindness in spite difficult people. Isn’t that worth sacrificing Facebook, and an empty kitchen sink? Lord, help me remember that you want me to do more than “just get by”.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Little Children
When my older kids were young, in the demanding and sleep depriving stages of toddler and baby, I would often tell myself “when they get older this will be so much easier”. As they have grown it has gotten easier in some areas, in others it has gotten much harder. The attention that they demand from me is not as much physical, being up in the middle of the night or changing diapers or endlessly wiping runny noses, but the effort that they need from me now is more mental. I now am responsible for coaching them on the difficult times in life that I sometimes have yet to figure out myself. I am needed to listen, to be empathetic, give advice, sooth ruffled feathers, calm fears, encourage, or pick the up the pieces of a broken heart. No longer is the crisis over someone getting their toys taken away or needing a snack or a band-aid. Now the stakes are much higher.
I have also noticed that when my children were younger they were always pursuing me. This was part of why I was so exhausted physically. There was always someone at my feet or in my lap, someone needing to be carried or held or fed. As they grow older though, I have realized that I must often be the one to pursue them. They have become stubborn and determined to do things their way. I cannot afford to turn my attention from the things in them that need to be corrected. I must prevent them from building walls around their hearts, or growing bitter and unforgiving. I have to seek them out in order to do this.
As mentally exhausted as this makes me, it also makes me appreciate that God is always pursuing me. He is ever-aware of all the areas in which I need a listening ear, or comfort, or correction, or guidance. He is patient with me and doesn’t force my trust, but gently seeks me out to correct me and leads me in his way to show me how much he loves me. He gladly invests his time and his energy in me. Much unlike the shameful times when I lose my temper at the demand of my motherly presence! I am so thankful that the God, whose power created the universe, has limit-less energy to take care of my day to day needs. He never grows tired of listening to me and he is patient with me even in the middle of the night.
With the different ages of my children, I am pulled in both directions of exhaustion. Not only do I have two that require my mental focus, but I am still the mother to two children that demand my physical attention. I am still looking forward to those days when it gets easier…at least physically. Knowing what is down the road though, I have learned to treasure these young days of my children, when they readily come to me and just enjoy being near me, when a hug makes it all better, where they are content with me just holding them on my lap, when mommy’s arms makes the world feel safe. I think this is what Jesus meant when he said “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” Matthew 18:3. When we refuse to admit our weaknesses and need for God and demand to do it our way, we are setting ourselves up for a great fall, but if we come to him trusting in what he provides and are content to rest in his strength we are greatly rewarded.
I have also noticed that when my children were younger they were always pursuing me. This was part of why I was so exhausted physically. There was always someone at my feet or in my lap, someone needing to be carried or held or fed. As they grow older though, I have realized that I must often be the one to pursue them. They have become stubborn and determined to do things their way. I cannot afford to turn my attention from the things in them that need to be corrected. I must prevent them from building walls around their hearts, or growing bitter and unforgiving. I have to seek them out in order to do this.
As mentally exhausted as this makes me, it also makes me appreciate that God is always pursuing me. He is ever-aware of all the areas in which I need a listening ear, or comfort, or correction, or guidance. He is patient with me and doesn’t force my trust, but gently seeks me out to correct me and leads me in his way to show me how much he loves me. He gladly invests his time and his energy in me. Much unlike the shameful times when I lose my temper at the demand of my motherly presence! I am so thankful that the God, whose power created the universe, has limit-less energy to take care of my day to day needs. He never grows tired of listening to me and he is patient with me even in the middle of the night.
With the different ages of my children, I am pulled in both directions of exhaustion. Not only do I have two that require my mental focus, but I am still the mother to two children that demand my physical attention. I am still looking forward to those days when it gets easier…at least physically. Knowing what is down the road though, I have learned to treasure these young days of my children, when they readily come to me and just enjoy being near me, when a hug makes it all better, where they are content with me just holding them on my lap, when mommy’s arms makes the world feel safe. I think this is what Jesus meant when he said “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” Matthew 18:3. When we refuse to admit our weaknesses and need for God and demand to do it our way, we are setting ourselves up for a great fall, but if we come to him trusting in what he provides and are content to rest in his strength we are greatly rewarded.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Safe?
Ever think about how much time, energy, and money we humans put into being safe? We have warnings on everything including our hot drinks and our shopping carts. We have safety belts, safety pads, and safety helmets. We have liability forms and releases for everything you can imagine to protect us from being blamed or blaming. We have filters on our air, on our water, and our internets. We have Christian schools to protect our children from exposure to the world. We have volume control, gun control and pest control. We have police officers on our streets and in our schools. We have alarm systems on our houses and our workplaces and even our cars. Yet, it seems that this world is no safer than it has ever been.
Our attempts to create peace and a feeling of security are seemingly in vain. Disease, divorce, and loss are prominent. Unemployment rates are dangerously high and the stock market is bleeding. Death is inescapable.
Where can we find this peace that we long for? Is it even attainable? It can feel at times we have found it for a moment but then it eludes us. Realizing that we have very little control over our lives can be frustrating, depressing and even scary.
Trust is a powerful thing. Depending on what or who you place your trust determines the extent of your peace. I have known very little suffering compared to some, but I have known enough suffering to know I want to prevent it. The effort to prevent pain whether physical or emotional displaces our focus.
We need to lay down the magnifying glass that justifies our dissatisfaction with our perceived securities and pick up the binoculars to look at the bigger picture. This world is not all there is. The physical world we see and try so hard to protect is not final.
How much time and energy do we put into our spiritual lives compared to our physical lives? I hate to even think about that question. The recovering perfectionist in me is perpetually tired from trying to keep the house picked up and the laundry clean. I dare not let it go or it might just multiply on me.
Ironically when I am stressed, the first thing I do is start cleaning. I think it is the feeling of control I have over at least one facet of my life that compels me to do this. Yet this is not where my focus should be. My energies are unbalanced. I tell myself I will invest time into my soul once the dishes are put away and the laundry is done. We all know that chores are never all done. I sacrifice something that can hugely affect my security in eternity for one small insignificant thing that gives me a temporary feeling of control.
It is totally against our human nature that we trust someone or something else with our security. From a very early age anyone can see toddlers demanding to do things their way. Anyone who has a 2 year knows what I am talking about.
The things I cling to with white knuckled fists are things that I ultimately have no control over. “Ruin descends-you can't charm it away. Disaster strikes-you can't cast it off with spells.” Isaiah 47:9 Msg
No matter how hard I try I cannot stop hurt from coming into my life or the lives of the people I love. That fact often robs me of peace. Yet it’s in those times when I turn my God, the ONE I can trust, when I finally let him gently pry open my fist, that I find the peace I was looking for all along. He knows that it’s in those times of fear that I will come to him because nothing else can take away the ache in my heart. He knows that as long as I keep looking for my security in things of this world I will always come up bankrupt.
He wants me to experience His peace. He offers it freely, continually, and equally to anyone who will receive it. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
Why on earth do I forget that? Why do I even bother trying to find it anywhere else? This is my biggest frustration with myself, my forgetful heart. Thankfully he keeps reminding me.
Something I heard from a movie recently sums it up pretty well I think. “It’s simple really; it’s just hard”. (From the movie “What If”) Letting God be in control is still scary at times, but it is safe.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Psalm 20:7
Our attempts to create peace and a feeling of security are seemingly in vain. Disease, divorce, and loss are prominent. Unemployment rates are dangerously high and the stock market is bleeding. Death is inescapable.
Where can we find this peace that we long for? Is it even attainable? It can feel at times we have found it for a moment but then it eludes us. Realizing that we have very little control over our lives can be frustrating, depressing and even scary.
Trust is a powerful thing. Depending on what or who you place your trust determines the extent of your peace. I have known very little suffering compared to some, but I have known enough suffering to know I want to prevent it. The effort to prevent pain whether physical or emotional displaces our focus.
We need to lay down the magnifying glass that justifies our dissatisfaction with our perceived securities and pick up the binoculars to look at the bigger picture. This world is not all there is. The physical world we see and try so hard to protect is not final.
How much time and energy do we put into our spiritual lives compared to our physical lives? I hate to even think about that question. The recovering perfectionist in me is perpetually tired from trying to keep the house picked up and the laundry clean. I dare not let it go or it might just multiply on me.
Ironically when I am stressed, the first thing I do is start cleaning. I think it is the feeling of control I have over at least one facet of my life that compels me to do this. Yet this is not where my focus should be. My energies are unbalanced. I tell myself I will invest time into my soul once the dishes are put away and the laundry is done. We all know that chores are never all done. I sacrifice something that can hugely affect my security in eternity for one small insignificant thing that gives me a temporary feeling of control.
It is totally against our human nature that we trust someone or something else with our security. From a very early age anyone can see toddlers demanding to do things their way. Anyone who has a 2 year knows what I am talking about.
The things I cling to with white knuckled fists are things that I ultimately have no control over. “Ruin descends-you can't charm it away. Disaster strikes-you can't cast it off with spells.” Isaiah 47:9 Msg
No matter how hard I try I cannot stop hurt from coming into my life or the lives of the people I love. That fact often robs me of peace. Yet it’s in those times when I turn my God, the ONE I can trust, when I finally let him gently pry open my fist, that I find the peace I was looking for all along. He knows that it’s in those times of fear that I will come to him because nothing else can take away the ache in my heart. He knows that as long as I keep looking for my security in things of this world I will always come up bankrupt.
He wants me to experience His peace. He offers it freely, continually, and equally to anyone who will receive it. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27
Why on earth do I forget that? Why do I even bother trying to find it anywhere else? This is my biggest frustration with myself, my forgetful heart. Thankfully he keeps reminding me.
Something I heard from a movie recently sums it up pretty well I think. “It’s simple really; it’s just hard”. (From the movie “What If”) Letting God be in control is still scary at times, but it is safe.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Psalm 20:7
Monday, August 23, 2010
He loves me, He love me not
One of my kids doesn’t like me. I know he loves me, but he doesn’t like me; unless his Daddy isn’t around, or he gets hurt or scared, or wants something I have (like a cookie). I have never had this happen before. All of my kids have preferred me over Rob in their baby and toddler stages. I am really quite surprised by it and feeling just a little rejected. Most days I don’t get too bothered by this, I justify that he is just in a stage and will grow out of it. I rationalize that after having three kids prefer me over Rob, this is only fair and now I know how Rob has felt all these years; at least I think I do.
I try not to expect something unrealistic from my toddler. Maybe we just don’t have the type of personalities that click. We all have people (and kids) in our life that we relate easier to, and some with more difficulty. But the mother in me wants to say “Hey, I carried you in my womb for 9 months, I gave birth to you, I nursed you and gave you nourishment for the first year of your life, I have spent countless nights awake with you, I have sacrificed for you; I DESERVE your devotion!
Hmmm, is this what Christ thinks about my relationship with Him? Do I only come to him when he is the last option I have? Or when I am hurt or scared, and want something? Do I prefer the things of this world over him? Do I value relationships with people on earth more than I value my relationship with him? All of this is just a little unsettling as I think about it and try to determine my heart’s motives.
I will never give up on my son. I will get frustrated with him, but I will never stop trying to show him the love that I have for him. I will never stop sacrificing for him, and I will never stop reaching out to him and waiting for him to give me his love in return-minus the selfish motives. What I feel for my child is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to God’s love for me. As my parent God has created me, given me a new life, provided for me, and even sacrificed his life for me. He is WORTHY of my devotion!
Even though I sometimes act like my two year old and cling to other things, God never gives up on me. He continues to pursue me, draw me nearer to him, and says to me "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3 Our stubbornness doesn’t negate his faithfulness to us “for great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever”. Psalm 117:2 Thank you Jesus, that you never give up on me!
I try not to expect something unrealistic from my toddler. Maybe we just don’t have the type of personalities that click. We all have people (and kids) in our life that we relate easier to, and some with more difficulty. But the mother in me wants to say “Hey, I carried you in my womb for 9 months, I gave birth to you, I nursed you and gave you nourishment for the first year of your life, I have spent countless nights awake with you, I have sacrificed for you; I DESERVE your devotion!
Hmmm, is this what Christ thinks about my relationship with Him? Do I only come to him when he is the last option I have? Or when I am hurt or scared, and want something? Do I prefer the things of this world over him? Do I value relationships with people on earth more than I value my relationship with him? All of this is just a little unsettling as I think about it and try to determine my heart’s motives.
I will never give up on my son. I will get frustrated with him, but I will never stop trying to show him the love that I have for him. I will never stop sacrificing for him, and I will never stop reaching out to him and waiting for him to give me his love in return-minus the selfish motives. What I feel for my child is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to God’s love for me. As my parent God has created me, given me a new life, provided for me, and even sacrificed his life for me. He is WORTHY of my devotion!
Even though I sometimes act like my two year old and cling to other things, God never gives up on me. He continues to pursue me, draw me nearer to him, and says to me "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3 Our stubbornness doesn’t negate his faithfulness to us “for great is his love toward us, and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever”. Psalm 117:2 Thank you Jesus, that you never give up on me!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The Other Side
The other day my daughter made a very interesting observation. She said, “ In some countries there isn’t any clean water to drink, and in our country we swim in it for fun.” Quite a bit of wisdom for an 11 year old! Perspective is a strange and mysterious thing. Depending on where you are standing, the story can be drastically different. There is an invisible dividing line, and I am often caught off guard at which side of the line I end up on.
To my neighbor across the street who is battling cancer, she is eager to go to work because it means that she is alive and well enough to be there; to the man down the street with the dead-end job going nowhere, every day is dreadful. The woman who can’t conceive a baby lies awake wishing she had a child to hold; while the mother who is exhausted from being robbed of sleep every night by a crying baby longs for a restful night. I can complain about the piles of laundry that seem to multiply while I sleep or I can thank God for the people in my life who wear the clothes I wash. Every day and every situation I am in silently demands I choose a perspective.
How do we reconcile our perceptions with reality? How do I deal with the frustration over expectations that have not been met? There are no formulas for life; no rhyme or reason. Good people die young and evil men live long lives. “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matt 5:45) I’m realizing that I most often find myself getting disappointed when I want God to do things on my terms or at least be predictable. When things don’t turn out the way that I think they should, I have to remember that they have still been filtered through his hands. I am still to have high hopes…but in Him; not in a specific set of circumstances that I think is acceptable. My expectation needs to be in His faithfulness and goodness and love for me, not in whether my situation gets easier or more predictable. It’s when I get stubborn with my wants that I face frustration. The more I seek His will for my life, the more satisfied I am with what he gives me. “And Hope does not disappoint us” (Rom 5:5).
So, when my day (or sometimes my week, or month, or year), doesn’t go the way I had planned or envisioned, I have to remember that God sees the future. He knows that what lies ahead for me is a life “not lacking anything”. (James 1:4) I have to broaden my perspective, and consider that these “light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” (2 Cor 4:17) I don’t know about you, but some days, the promise of eternal glory is the only thing that keeps me going; that keeps me from losing my faith. A place where there is no cancer, where things don’t break, pay-checks don’t run short, and feelings don’t get stepped on, where all of the “whys” will be explained. “Where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” (Matt 6:20) “no more death or mourning or crying or pain" (Rev 21:4). Thank you Jesus that this world we live in is not all there is! Help me to keep my eyes on you and not on the circumstances I am in.
To my neighbor across the street who is battling cancer, she is eager to go to work because it means that she is alive and well enough to be there; to the man down the street with the dead-end job going nowhere, every day is dreadful. The woman who can’t conceive a baby lies awake wishing she had a child to hold; while the mother who is exhausted from being robbed of sleep every night by a crying baby longs for a restful night. I can complain about the piles of laundry that seem to multiply while I sleep or I can thank God for the people in my life who wear the clothes I wash. Every day and every situation I am in silently demands I choose a perspective.
How do we reconcile our perceptions with reality? How do I deal with the frustration over expectations that have not been met? There are no formulas for life; no rhyme or reason. Good people die young and evil men live long lives. “He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Matt 5:45) I’m realizing that I most often find myself getting disappointed when I want God to do things on my terms or at least be predictable. When things don’t turn out the way that I think they should, I have to remember that they have still been filtered through his hands. I am still to have high hopes…but in Him; not in a specific set of circumstances that I think is acceptable. My expectation needs to be in His faithfulness and goodness and love for me, not in whether my situation gets easier or more predictable. It’s when I get stubborn with my wants that I face frustration. The more I seek His will for my life, the more satisfied I am with what he gives me. “And Hope does not disappoint us” (Rom 5:5).
So, when my day (or sometimes my week, or month, or year), doesn’t go the way I had planned or envisioned, I have to remember that God sees the future. He knows that what lies ahead for me is a life “not lacking anything”. (James 1:4) I have to broaden my perspective, and consider that these “light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” (2 Cor 4:17) I don’t know about you, but some days, the promise of eternal glory is the only thing that keeps me going; that keeps me from losing my faith. A place where there is no cancer, where things don’t break, pay-checks don’t run short, and feelings don’t get stepped on, where all of the “whys” will be explained. “Where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.” (Matt 6:20) “no more death or mourning or crying or pain" (Rev 21:4). Thank you Jesus that this world we live in is not all there is! Help me to keep my eyes on you and not on the circumstances I am in.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Run the Race
For many years I have had dreams at night of running. In these dreams I can hear the sound of my feet hitting the pavement and feel my muscles working, feel the wind in my hair and the sweat on my brow. I have never been a runner. I have always been happy getting my exercise being a walker. In fact every time I have tried to run, I have hated the whole experience and joked that I only ran if I was being chased. But strangely, when I woke up from these dreams I felt more spring in my step, felt a weight off my shoulders, a release from my daily worries, refreshed. I loved having these dreams, yet every time I would work up the nerve to try in real life, I felt like I was embarrassing myself in front of my neighbors-(the ones who peek out their windows). I ended up breathless and awkward, after only a few blocks, and resigned myself once again to the fact that I did not have what it took to be a runner and quit.
After finally weaning my fourth baby and getting my energy back from sleeping at night, I set out again to increase my walking routine, trying to get back into shape. On my walks I thought of these dreams. I started praying and asking God, “Do you want me to run?” Seems like a trivial thing to ask God, but I have learned that nothing is unimportant to him. “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” 1 Peter 5:7 I felt the desire to try again. So I set out, putting one foot in front of the other and swinging my arms, almost exaggeratedly trying to give myself more “oomph”. I focused on my breathing trying not to hyperventilate, was deliberate in my steps, all the while asking God to give me the strength and perseverance to keep going and not give up. Before I knew it I had made it a half a mile; much further than I had ever made it in the past. I pushed myself to make it just a little farther and then headed home, feeling like I had finally pushed through a roadblock that had been stopping me for too long.
One thing that God has had to continually work on in me is perseverance. I have been known to give up easily on things that prove to be too difficult. I even tried giving up on my marriage at one point until God took hold of me and let me know he wasn’t going to let me quit this time. I had made a commitment to my husband and to God and had since given birth to two children. I couldn’t teach them to give up too could I? It was through those difficult years of putting our marriage back together that I learned to lean on God’s strength and not my own. This was the same strength that was helping me learn to run. If God can put a marriage that was in the process of divorce back together, surely he can help me in the little details of my life.
I have now increased the distance I run up to 2 miles. I enjoy these runs now, look forward to them and make time to for them, yet there is not a time that I run that I am not reminded by my tired muscles and burning lungs to ask for God’s strength and perseverance. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
If I think back to my first successful attempt at running, I realize that I have to be focused and deliberate in my steps at life, all the while depending on God’s strength. When I don’t, I end up breathless and awkward and I give up. “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1 This is what Jesus did. If he had not been focused and deliberate in his work here on earth, we would all be doomed for destruction. It is only through his work on the cross that any of us has an invitation to heaven. That verse goes on to say “let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:2-3 We have to be focused on the author of life if we are to run the race of life. Only then will we win the prize of heaven. “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” 1 Corinthians 9:24
After finally weaning my fourth baby and getting my energy back from sleeping at night, I set out again to increase my walking routine, trying to get back into shape. On my walks I thought of these dreams. I started praying and asking God, “Do you want me to run?” Seems like a trivial thing to ask God, but I have learned that nothing is unimportant to him. “Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you” 1 Peter 5:7 I felt the desire to try again. So I set out, putting one foot in front of the other and swinging my arms, almost exaggeratedly trying to give myself more “oomph”. I focused on my breathing trying not to hyperventilate, was deliberate in my steps, all the while asking God to give me the strength and perseverance to keep going and not give up. Before I knew it I had made it a half a mile; much further than I had ever made it in the past. I pushed myself to make it just a little farther and then headed home, feeling like I had finally pushed through a roadblock that had been stopping me for too long.
One thing that God has had to continually work on in me is perseverance. I have been known to give up easily on things that prove to be too difficult. I even tried giving up on my marriage at one point until God took hold of me and let me know he wasn’t going to let me quit this time. I had made a commitment to my husband and to God and had since given birth to two children. I couldn’t teach them to give up too could I? It was through those difficult years of putting our marriage back together that I learned to lean on God’s strength and not my own. This was the same strength that was helping me learn to run. If God can put a marriage that was in the process of divorce back together, surely he can help me in the little details of my life.
I have now increased the distance I run up to 2 miles. I enjoy these runs now, look forward to them and make time to for them, yet there is not a time that I run that I am not reminded by my tired muscles and burning lungs to ask for God’s strength and perseverance. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13
If I think back to my first successful attempt at running, I realize that I have to be focused and deliberate in my steps at life, all the while depending on God’s strength. When I don’t, I end up breathless and awkward and I give up. “Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1 This is what Jesus did. If he had not been focused and deliberate in his work here on earth, we would all be doomed for destruction. It is only through his work on the cross that any of us has an invitation to heaven. That verse goes on to say “let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:2-3 We have to be focused on the author of life if we are to run the race of life. Only then will we win the prize of heaven. “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” 1 Corinthians 9:24
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Childlike Faith
The other night my husband was giving the kids piggy back rides. Each one of my four kids ages 10, 9, 3, and 1, got a ride up on his strong shoulders. You would have thought that they would have each loved being carried up high safe in Daddy’s care. Not so. Surprisingly it was my older kids that didn’t like it. They were scared, afraid they would fall, and not so sure that their loving Daddy would keep them safe up there on his back. They squirmed and screamed and grabbed for anything they could hold on to- nearly choking him. This was all making it more difficult for my husband to carry them and caused quite a bit of frustration over their distrust. The younger two kids on the other hand, had the time of their life. They did little to hang on, trusting the one who was carrying them, squealing with delight and asking for more! Both my husband and I were a little perplexed over the lack of trust that our older kids had. After all, they have had many more experiences in trusting us to take care of them than my younger children. We’ve never put them in harm’s way, never threatened their safety. How could they not trust us?!
Much like any other family in this difficult economic time we are wondering how our family will fare. We are grabbing at any possibility we can to limit our debt, lessen our expenses and limiting the chances of losing employment. None of these are wrong in and of themselves but I wonder how much distrust we are displaying by getting worried about our financial future. After all God is carrying us through this isn’t he? My husband and I have had years of relationship with him and countless experiences of his provision through difficult times. Why is this any different? He’s always taken care of us before.
How many times does my lack of faith choke out his spirit in my life? How many blessings am I missing out on because of my distrust in his ability to care for me? Nothing takes God by surprise. He never runs out of anything because “he owns the cattle on a thousand hills.” Psalm 50:10 The storehouses of heaven belong to him. He created everything out of nothing.
Just in the way the piggy back ride was a little scary for my kids, sometimes the ride of this life is scary. We are never promised a life without pain or trouble yet we seem to think we are entitled to a life of ease. “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 Instead of trying to escape the difficult situation we are in, what if we were to ask God what he wants to teach us through it? Why do I get so scared at my possible temporary discomfort? “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:17 Nothing happens that is out of God’s ability to use for good. God is more concerned in developing my character for eternity than making sure I am comfortable here on earth. My heavenly father sees the big picture, much like my children’s father did while giving that piggy back ride.
As much as my husband was hurt by the lack of trust of his children, God also places such a high importance on our faith in him that Jesus said “I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Luke 18:17 My two younger kids have it figured out. Enjoy the ride.
It reminds me of the book by C.S. Lewis, “The Chronicles of Narnia-The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe”- referring to Aslan, “Safe?....Course he isn’t safe, but he’s good.”
Matthew 6:25-27, 33
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Much like any other family in this difficult economic time we are wondering how our family will fare. We are grabbing at any possibility we can to limit our debt, lessen our expenses and limiting the chances of losing employment. None of these are wrong in and of themselves but I wonder how much distrust we are displaying by getting worried about our financial future. After all God is carrying us through this isn’t he? My husband and I have had years of relationship with him and countless experiences of his provision through difficult times. Why is this any different? He’s always taken care of us before.
How many times does my lack of faith choke out his spirit in my life? How many blessings am I missing out on because of my distrust in his ability to care for me? Nothing takes God by surprise. He never runs out of anything because “he owns the cattle on a thousand hills.” Psalm 50:10 The storehouses of heaven belong to him. He created everything out of nothing.
Just in the way the piggy back ride was a little scary for my kids, sometimes the ride of this life is scary. We are never promised a life without pain or trouble yet we seem to think we are entitled to a life of ease. “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33 Instead of trying to escape the difficult situation we are in, what if we were to ask God what he wants to teach us through it? Why do I get so scared at my possible temporary discomfort? “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” 2 Corinthians 4:17 Nothing happens that is out of God’s ability to use for good. God is more concerned in developing my character for eternity than making sure I am comfortable here on earth. My heavenly father sees the big picture, much like my children’s father did while giving that piggy back ride.
As much as my husband was hurt by the lack of trust of his children, God also places such a high importance on our faith in him that Jesus said “I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." Luke 18:17 My two younger kids have it figured out. Enjoy the ride.
It reminds me of the book by C.S. Lewis, “The Chronicles of Narnia-The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe”- referring to Aslan, “Safe?....Course he isn’t safe, but he’s good.”
Matthew 6:25-27, 33
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Rocks
About one ton. That is how many rocks I have moved. Not in my yard, though I have moved many rocks in my quest to improve our yard. No, these rocks have been moved out of my house. Slowly, day by day, rocks that I don’t want in my house end up there. They are donated by the Derby public school system. My kids collect them when they are on recess and generously bring them home to deposit them on my floor when they take off their shoes. I have vacuumed them, swept them, and even knelt down to pick them up one by one by hand. I don’t have a loving relationship with these rocks; I want them out of my house. They are dusty and messy and uncomfortable to walk on.
Usually by March or April (toward the end of the school year) I am very ready for summer to make its appearance and for the slow trickle of rocks to stop for a while. Then in late July, I find myself wishing for the rocks to return because that would mean my kids are back in school. No longer would I have to listen to their fighting and whining and have them driving me crazy with their constant crumbs. I am willing to trade all of that for just the rocks. Not surprisingly, now that school has started and the slow trickle of rocks has returned, I find myself wishing back the summer that passed all too quickly and the constant chaos that it brought to my house. It is too quiet when they are gone. I have too much time to think my thoughts now, even though I longed for that ability just a few days ago. Isn’t it just like us to always want what we no longer have, or to wish for what we think would make our lives easier? Is what we have ever good enough?
The definition of content is “to appease the desires of” or “to limit (oneself) in requirements, desires, or actions.” Does that mean that when my husband is losing his job, and it seems like everything in our house breaks at the same time, and my days are constant chaos to the point that I can’t even think straight; that I am supposed to limit my desire for something different than what I have? I think that’s what God is trying to tell me. If I desire to trade the difficulties that have been ordained for me, then I am trading exactly what is meant to draw me closer to the God of the universe and instill a strength and wisdom in me that you can’t buy in any store. It’s the dusty, messy, and uncomfortable times in life that change us. I can accept the challenges and let them change me for good, becoming more patient, more appreciative, and kinder; or I can resent those hard times, becoming more bitter, more critical, and more unhappy.
One of my kids won’t be bringing home rocks in her shoes this year. She’s growing up and no longer has recess. Now, she has locker combinations and class periods and has to get herself to the right class on time. Part of me pains at watching her grow so fast. I want her to have rocks in her shoes again. On the other hand, I know it’s for her best and for her strength and character that I don’t hold her back from growing up. Is that how God looks at us? He knows the hard times we will need to have in order to grow and he hates to see us go through it, but he knows it’s for our best. He sees the change up ahead.
I have been realizing that I will gladly take the rocks, the chaos, the crumbs, even the quiet, and be content with exactly where God has me. No more, no less.
…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13
Usually by March or April (toward the end of the school year) I am very ready for summer to make its appearance and for the slow trickle of rocks to stop for a while. Then in late July, I find myself wishing for the rocks to return because that would mean my kids are back in school. No longer would I have to listen to their fighting and whining and have them driving me crazy with their constant crumbs. I am willing to trade all of that for just the rocks. Not surprisingly, now that school has started and the slow trickle of rocks has returned, I find myself wishing back the summer that passed all too quickly and the constant chaos that it brought to my house. It is too quiet when they are gone. I have too much time to think my thoughts now, even though I longed for that ability just a few days ago. Isn’t it just like us to always want what we no longer have, or to wish for what we think would make our lives easier? Is what we have ever good enough?
The definition of content is “to appease the desires of” or “to limit (oneself) in requirements, desires, or actions.” Does that mean that when my husband is losing his job, and it seems like everything in our house breaks at the same time, and my days are constant chaos to the point that I can’t even think straight; that I am supposed to limit my desire for something different than what I have? I think that’s what God is trying to tell me. If I desire to trade the difficulties that have been ordained for me, then I am trading exactly what is meant to draw me closer to the God of the universe and instill a strength and wisdom in me that you can’t buy in any store. It’s the dusty, messy, and uncomfortable times in life that change us. I can accept the challenges and let them change me for good, becoming more patient, more appreciative, and kinder; or I can resent those hard times, becoming more bitter, more critical, and more unhappy.
One of my kids won’t be bringing home rocks in her shoes this year. She’s growing up and no longer has recess. Now, she has locker combinations and class periods and has to get herself to the right class on time. Part of me pains at watching her grow so fast. I want her to have rocks in her shoes again. On the other hand, I know it’s for her best and for her strength and character that I don’t hold her back from growing up. Is that how God looks at us? He knows the hard times we will need to have in order to grow and he hates to see us go through it, but he knows it’s for our best. He sees the change up ahead.
I have been realizing that I will gladly take the rocks, the chaos, the crumbs, even the quiet, and be content with exactly where God has me. No more, no less.
…for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13
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